3/03/2007

Know the Opponent- Atlanta Hawks


(I was about to do one for the Sonics. Glad I checked the schedule.)

Meet the Hawks!

#11 Esteban Batista- At any given Hawks game, about 9% of the audience is made up of Esteban's groupies. On the road, the number drops to about 6%.

#1 Josh Childress- Unbeknownst to most scientists, Josh's bountiful afro is a multi-faceted ecosystem the provides the habitat for various bizarre and undiscovered species, including a mushroom that cures herpes and a fire-breathing seahorse.

#12 Speedy Claxton- Craig Claxton was morbidly obese as a child, and his nickname was derived facetiously. Though he has worked himself into peak physical form, the bitterness of the name still sticks with him.

#36 Royal Ivey- Royal is currently trying to become the first NBA player to clone himself. If he proves succesful, he will immediately become the first active NBA player to come out of the closet.

#8 Anthony Johnson- Anthony's first actions upon returning to Atlanta were to burst into the locker room before a game, holler "I'm back, bitches!", and cut the entire buffet line.

#2 Joe Johnson- In several radical religious sects of the Deep South, Joe is considered a living deity, and his every word is immediately transcribed into scripture.

#44 Solomon Jones- Solomon has spent his whole adult life training to prove those haters who said he couldn't make it in the NBA Shooting Stars Competition wrong.

#10 Tyronn Lue- Tyronn was the league's first ever WNBA call-up.

#3 Slava Medvedenko- Slava prefers the leather ball because it is "more delicious. Taste like bull."

#27 Zaza Pachulia- Zaza leads the league in Cologne Applied per 48 Minutes.

#5 Josh Smith- After a loss, Josh gets out his frustration by swatting seagulls out of the sky.

#20 Salim Stoudamire- When Salim walks into the room, all the women present simultaneously go into labor.

#24 Marvin Williams- Marvin recently purchased a yacht entitled the S.S. Potential.

#33 Shelden Williams- Shelden patterns his game after David Stern.

#42 Lorenzen Wright- Lorenzen plays basketball only because he is 7 feet tall. His real passion is for the accordion.

Those are your Atlanta Hawks. Game thread coming a little later. Peace.

1 comment:

The District Celtic said...

Man they must hate Anthony Johnson.


I laughed out loud when I read that one.